megrim: a migraine; also, a fancy or whim; in the plural, low spirits.

So today, as usual, I'm managing the megrims.

Depression tracks me down after a brief reprieve. He comes all silent and menacing like a Pinkerton Detective, and grabs me. He doesn't need to show me his badge. I know this guy very well. We've been playing cat-and-mouse games for years now. Though he doesn't belong here, at the beginning of a what looks to be a fairly calm summer, when I'm enjoying great times with my 3 precious daughters.  I say to him "How did you find me here? Who told you you could follow me into the summer?" Depression, always the wise guy, says "What, you're not happy to see me?".  "Go away!!" I tell him. Then he frisks me. He empties my pockets of any joy I had been carrying around in there. He even confiscates my identity, which he always does.  After a lengthy interrogation, to which he listens to none of the responses, I try many ways of escape, trying to shake him. But he keeps following me, even into sleep. I don't want him in my one way to escape but Depression, with his billy club, reminds me that there's no stopping him from coming in if he decides to. As with any of my escape attempts, he just settles into his favorite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. 

I've taken on my depression as what it is, a fight for my life.  Adam finally convinced me to seek help after Bryn's birth as the symptoms of severe depression mounted beyond denial The loss os sleep, libido, appetite, interest in anything, trouble concentrating, alienation and despair, no energy..literally the list continues for a a book of it's own. I'm not, in this post, chronicling the history/progression of this illness since my late teens. If someone wants to piece it together, the parts are there for the piecing. I'm not doing it today.

As the fight continues and another skirmish has arisen I feel myself spiraling in a panic. I'm again being sucked down into the depths of this black hole yet again, despite all the measures being taken to manage it. I SO don't want to go down this road again! I don't want to start figuring out new meds, experimenting with weeks of trial period in between experiments eating up entire sections of life and memory of my children. This struggle continually draws me nearer to God, deepens my understanding of His character and workings but I confess, I am very weary in well-doing.

I am SO blessed to have a local body of believers who are so well grounded i sound theology and have such a heart for serving God. I love that I can so wholeheartedly recommend my church to others as I talk with them, listen to their concerns, build relationships with them and talk to them about the things of God. Talking Sun. night with treasured missionary friends headed to Calgary reminds me yet again of what a privilege it is to be in this community of faith, to have such easy access to so MANY people that love God, are serving Him, are striving to learn more of Him and of how to live more in abandonment (is that a word?) of themselves and more in service of their King. Heck, (or "Shucks!", or with whatever exclamatory adjective you are comfortable) that they (I) even are blessed enough to have been (being) made aware of our initial and ever-increasing need of Christ and the Gospel. Does the realization of the magnitude of this blessing ever just reach up out of the blue and give you a a resounding slap on the face? Slap me more often, Lord Jesus!

Okay, I was off on a rabbit trail, a trait of Fiona's about which I so often complain (humility-builder). God also assured me of another another truth. The ever-comforting truth that He is Sovereign. Not only has He arranged affairs and answered prayers - didn't mean to rhyme - for His leading and calling of my extended family, my first family, He will still be doing His work even if it's not in the manner I see as (psst, God, are you listening?...) the most logical and obvious way things could be done. I jest about my way of doing things being the best way while at the same time literally trembling before God at the audacity of doing such a thing. How dare I joke about such a ridiculous idea that I might possibly even scratch the surface in perceiving God's way of working?   

That's a topic for another post. How much God's changing even the tongue-in-cheek way I joke about the things of God. He's been showing me ways, lately, in which He's already changed me, and also a few things He's in the process of changing me. Yes, I do know that even the areas in which He's already changed me aren't a final completion, they also are works in progress. One area being the assurance of salvation in the Believer's life, and some Scriptures God has seen fit to allow me to see in a new light. Yet another post coming up.

I would be totally surprised if ANYBODY actually reads this blog. It's mostly written just as an online journal, an easier way to journal than all my hard-back paper tomes from years past sitting on my book shelf, now THOSE (sometimes I have to use caps 'cause I don't know how to make this thing do italics) would make for entertaining blog reading! Especially the ones from my early teens. Oh how I and my sister (the one who is just younger than myself. Did I mention that I'm the oldest child of 8?) used to fight!

But the lack of organization in my kitchen, really, is just another metaphor for how my life has morphed into a flimsy, gaseous cloud of barely manageable chaos. I used to stare at fashion magazines with disgust – “That is so unrealistic,” I would complain about the airbrushing. “Nobody’s skin looks like that.” Now, I throw home décor magazines across the room in frustration. “Oh, please!” I find myself screaming at the sight of spotless, pile-less counter tops. “Nobody’s kitchen counter looks like that!” I hit rock bottom the other day when I picked my poor dog up from the groomer’s. Upon receiving a lecture on how I really need to make more regular appointments for her, I found myself apologizing, almost in tears.

“I’m so sorry,” I explained, trying not to bust out into a full on sob. “I just can barely manage myself and my kids and my job, and the piles, you should see the piles. The dog is just….” I let my sentence trail off so as not to offend her with it’s inevitable conclusion, and she (who is clearly childless) got offended anyway. As the words were coming out, I wondered how this teary, unorganized, unfit dog owner woman could possibly be me. But it is, and short of running away and starting a new life somewhere in a remote, undisclosed location, there’s simply nothing that I can do about it. I think it’s time to break out the PBK catalogue. I definitely could use the release.

Addiction to Organizational Porn.

by Sarah Welch & Alicia Rockmore

Negative self-image. Fantasy-induced over-spending. Marital tension. A new kind of airbrushed fantasy-land is wreaking havoc on our homes and our psyches: org porn. “Org porn is that glossy, airbrushed fantasy world where everything is pristine, serene and perfectly in order, sort of Playboy, but with chore charts and name-plated cubbyholes,” said Sarah Welch. “It’s everywhere you look these days: in magazines, coffee table books, advertisements, and TV shows. And when consumed in excess, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy, binge spending on organizational products, and even marital discord.” The authors have interviewed hundreds of women on the topic of organization and an astounding 80% of them feel they fall well short of the mark when it comes to getting organized.

“Don’t get us wrong, gazing at beautiful images of meticulously organized rooms, perfectly displayed collections, color-coordinated closets, flawless family schedules, pristine kitchens, tidy mud rooms, and picture-perfect work spaces can be titillating – even meditative. There’s a reason we call it ‘org porn,’” said Alicia Rockmore. “But when they become the primary yardstick by which you measure your own general state of organization is when it becomes unhealthy. An airbrushed land of perfect organization cannot be sustained in this messy, unpredictable world called real life.”

Chasing perfection fuels something the Buttoned Up co-founders call “organizational inertia,” a type of paralysis that makes it virtually impossible to get started. Nearly every woman surveyed for our recent book, http://astore.amazon.com/mommytrackd-20/detail/0312373503/105-7637154-8597261" mce_href="/bookshelf/amazon?url=%20http://astore.amazon.com/mommytrackd-20/detail/0312373503/105-7637154-8597261" target="_blank">Everything (almost) In Its Place agreed that the most difficult part of getting organized was knowing where to start. If perfection is the objective, that paralysis makes sense. Keeping your house, work and schedule magazine-ready requires a superhuman effort to achieve and constant, superhuman vigilance to maintain. The goal of getting organized isn’t necessarily to have everything picture-perfect, but rather to eliminate inefficiency, so that you have more time to do what you actually want to do.

Instead of holding yourself to an impossible org porn standard, the authors advocate ditching perfection and instead focusing on why you want to get organized in the first place. Remind yourself that org porn is merely entertainment and an escape that few if any actually achieve. Reality is something entirely different. If it helps you, use those org-porn images to focus on the benefits you are trying to achieve: calm, efficiency, etc. Once you are clear on the real objective, then you are free to define your own rules for achieving that end goal (and what that end goal will look like for you).

If you’ve been poring over a few too many glossy images and feeling that you’re falling short of the organizational mark, consider the following.

And here's part of the remedy....

#1: Focus on the Fundamentals

Having everything perfectly in order is not essential, in fact it may be detrimental to organization. What you really need to have buttoned up are the three basics: schedules, important papers (financial/medical), and major project plans (task lists). As a rule of thumb, you should spend 80% of your organizational energy staying on top of the three fundamentals. Having these core elements of your life in order will give you the peace of mind that you are on top of what matters. When these things are disorganized, they can wreak havoc on your life. A perfectly put together, color-coded closet may be nice, but it’s not essential.

#2: Learn to See Perfection as an Illusion

Organization is not an end state, but rather an ongoing fact of life; it’s a process. The notion of perfect organization is an illusion because it can only be achieved fleetingly. Life is too messy and unpredictable to be able to sustain it for any length of time. It’s called real life, and sooner or later, it will wreak havoc on “perfection.” When you’re pressed for time, there’s no need to waste energy worrying about those toys strewn on the living room floor, the dishes lingering in the rack by the sink, or the unmade bed. If you’d rather live an organized life, not a life of organization – you’ll need to embrace a little imperfection.

We are the co-founders of Buttoned Up, inc., a company dedicated to helping stretched and stressed women get themselves organized and co-authors of “Everything (almost) In Its Place.” We welcome your thoughts! Please send ideas and questions to us at: yourlife@getbuttonedup.com or visit us at www.getbuttonedup.com