Last night we were watching Jon & Kate plus 8 (the girls favorite show - gives us lots of opportunities to talk about big sisters, attitudes, etc.). Lily came over to where I was sitting holding a flashlight vertically to her chin and said "Ghost. OOOOOOoooooooOOOOO." (You know. like when we were kids in the dark making spooky faces?) Where does she pick up these things? We laughed, needless to say.

Just to let anyone who might be interested know: a 6 yr. old can sort laundry. I labeled our laundry sorter specifically (i.e. "Whites, undies, socks"). One of the girls' rotating chores is to drag in the laundry baskets from the bathrooms. Fiona (and soon Bryn) will be able to sort that laundry and then return the baskets to their places. I love any bit of help I can get. Have I mentioned how much I love them getting older?! Oh, and, BTW, how does a family of 5 produce so much laundry? And why do I hate laundry so intensly when I love being a mom so much? And why can't kids come automatically with maids so moms can do all the tons of fun stuff we desire with our kids instead of all the chores? (I guess sanctification has some bearing.)

I just ran across this journal entry from the dark days of Lily's early infancy.

19-Sep-06

Walking around in a haze, like I'm drunk, losing chunks of memory of my day, fuzzy.
Amazing what sleep depravation will do, and add that with a caffeine buzz. Depression doesn't make things anymore fun either; the irritability, surges of anger under the surface kept in chech only by the Holy Spirit (I sure don't have the strength or ability to quell the overwhelming desire to punch the walls, kick the cabinets and any toy within sight, and cuss "up a storm", who knew this was such a big part of depression). I feel numb and can't really find enjoyment in anything, except for brief moments which I latch onto and take advantage of immediately, no matter what else is going on. Feel a wave of love and affection for the girls-go immediately and kiss them and tell them. Want to hug them, I just do it. Want to play with Lily, sit down and do so.

I don't have school planned other than we're going to do these subjects today-the nitty gritty is by the seat of my pants, and I don't feel guilty about it. I also don't feel guilty about the state of (or lack of) cleanliness in my house. This Is just a saeson of life and "…this too will pass". I do wish I could exercise, I know that helps my state of mind, but I can't seem to fit it in, other than taking walks with the girls-Fin on her bike, Lily crying in the stroller, Bryn chattering happily.

I walk around the house holding Lily, listening to the splatting of the spit-up on the floor, not always cleaning it up since I can't bend down with Lily or she'll hurl some more. Or if I absolutely must have 2 hands she's usually screaming wherever I put her down. This is month 4 of this. She will have some better days where she'll sit in the bouncer chair for 30-45 min. at a time contentedly smiling or just watching everyone else.

My theme verse which I've been quoting over and over (other than "this too shall pass") is "be not weary in well doing". Consistently training my children is incredibly draining. Mama was so right when she said motherhood would keep me on my knees. I now see how "pray without ceasing" is not only possible but necessary and easily done-in the sense of having so much to bring to the Lord in prayer that it's non-stop praying.

I can't handle people just dropping by-that pushes me over the edge, as does excess noise and chaos. I just don't have the energy to deal with it. I do feel guilty about this as it limits the amount of interaction I and the girls can have with anybody else and there are so many friends and family members that I want to stay close to and it's just not possible right now. I want to be able to go to my siblings sporting events so badly but the exertion ruins me for at least 2 days afterwards. And just chatting on the phone with anyone is so draining. Emailing I can handle. So that will just be my mode of communication for now.

My tic is the worse it's ever been and makes talking even more difficult.

It sounds like I'm despairing but I'm not. My hope is in the Lord. He is my strength and my portion forever. This is a statemnt of being. It's so true. That is reality. I'm at peace with life like this, wouldn't trade it. Every once in a while I see glimpses of the faith God's building through this, of the deeper understanding of parts of Scripture, of the growing relationship with my Lord, of the fruit of the Spirit. It's so cool to see how God is making me new in Christ! It's different than just reading the verses, I'm not doing it at all! It's Christ doing it through me. I'm not even concious of Him working, it just occasionally hits me "this isn't how I used to think, (respond, act, etc.). This thought/perception(whatever) just came naturally, look how God's changed me! This is NOT how I would have taken this before"

Thank you God that you are our Shield and our Reward and that Your are very great. That your for this day and please help me and Bryn and Lily and Mommy and Daddy to trust in you with all our heart. Please help grandaddy to not be sick anymore……………. In Jesus name Amen. (No quotation marks becuase I can't quote her exact wording). There was more that was profoundly godly and yet disconcerting to a mothers' heart but I can't remember it. This was the first time I've ever heard her pray this way, with such strength and clarity. No following after Mommy's prayer's here. I so trust my Lord for what He has designed for my children but I quake and cry at the possibilities. "Thy will be done."

Oh, how I wish I could remember her exact words verbatim but I had to attend to the "goodnights", etc. after she prayed, which were after she took over reading, explaining, and asking the questions in the Cassie and Caleb book (Discovering Jesus through Genesis) through which we are reading for bedtime devotions. If I could only cry, my tears would be pouring over the words of her sweet prayer that was so Scriptural, from the heart and innocent. Such a short little prayer. So to the point and accurate. No wonder Christ wants us to come to Him as little children!! Oh, the sweet trust and availability she demonstrated! I really tremble at the thought of what ministry God has in store for such a heart as hers! Yes, I trust and love Him, but I see in her what I see when I read the biographies of those who are great in God's Kingdom, ergo those who have suffered much for Christs' sake. Oh, Hasten your coming Lord Jesus!!

I love how Bryn thinks. She is almost constantly asking "what does…mean?" and you can literally see her filing it away in her brain; and, yes, she only asks a definition once.
Then she will occasionally pop out with a definition that is SO succinct and concise. "I know what lavish means…far,far more than you could ever want" or "what is a word for when you're really, really thirsty - like starving but for thirsty?" (parched, BTW). I'm sensing she'll be my little Scrabble partner in the not-so-distant future!! Yahoo! Only one other person will play Scrabble with me and he lives in Ohio, this will be great!