Depression tracks me down after a brief reprieve. He comes all silent and menacing like a Pinkerton Detective, and grabs me. He doesn't need to show me his badge. I know this guy very well. We've been playing cat-and-mouse games for years now. Though he doesn't belong here, at the beginning of a what looks to be a fairly calm summer, when I'm enjoying great times with my 3 precious daughters.  I say to him "How did you find me here? Who told you you could follow me into the summer?" Depression, always the wise guy, says "What, you're not happy to see me?".  "Go away!!" I tell him. Then he frisks me. He empties my pockets of any joy I had been carrying around in there. He even confiscates my identity, which he always does.  After a lengthy interrogation, to which he listens to none of the responses, I try many ways of escape, trying to shake him. But he keeps following me, even into sleep. I don't want him in my one way to escape but Depression, with his billy club, reminds me that there's no stopping him from coming in if he decides to. As with any of my escape attempts, he just settles into his favorite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. 

I've taken on my depression as what it is, a fight for my life.  Adam finally convinced me to seek help after Bryn's birth as the symptoms of severe depression mounted beyond denial The loss os sleep, libido, appetite, interest in anything, trouble concentrating, alienation and despair, no energy..literally the list continues for a a book of it's own. I'm not, in this post, chronicling the history/progression of this illness since my late teens. If someone wants to piece it together, the parts are there for the piecing. I'm not doing it today.

As the fight continues and another skirmish has arisen I feel myself spiraling in a panic. I'm again being sucked down into the depths of this black hole yet again, despite all the measures being taken to manage it. I SO don't want to go down this road again! I don't want to start figuring out new meds, experimenting with weeks of trial period in between experiments eating up entire sections of life and memory of my children. This struggle continually draws me nearer to God, deepens my understanding of His character and workings but I confess, I am very weary in well-doing.